Cut
by SlytherinMalfoySnape
Summary: Chase’s life could be cut into three bits – when Mum was around, when she stopped being his mum and after she died. Chase and how he reached the decision to become a doctor. Mild references to child abuse, more warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

**Cut **

**Summary: **Chase's life could be cut into three bits – when _Mum_ was around, when she stopped being his mum and after she died. Chase and how he reached the decision to become a doctor.

**Warning: mild references to child abuse, strong language, drug abuse and mature themes in future chapters. **

I used Jesse Spencer's birthday because I'm not sure when Chase's birthday is. I also gave his mother Michael's mother's name. (Go Prison Break!)

* * *

**Patient: Robert Rowan Chase.  
Date of Birth: ****12/02****/1981 (26)  
Place of Birth: Melbourne Hospital, Australia  
Father: Rowan Michael Chase  
Mother: Christina Robyn Rose**

Chase figured that if he ever had to take a patient history of himself he'd divide himself into three periods. He doesn't remember his life in ages – like when you were a kid, when you were a teen and as an adult. It just didn't fit that way because birthdays never mattered much in the Chase household. He doesn't remember his age so much as how he felt. No, he wasn't going to waste his time bemoaning his short childhood. It was more like he can't ever remember exactly when he became an adult or if he ever became one (his _father_ would certainly have something to say about that).

Chase remembered his life like this - when _Mum_ was around, when she stopped being his mum and after she died. He hated to think that he lived his life around someone but that was exactly what he did, what he had to do. It made little difference to him because as much as he resented his Mum for her drinking, for the things she did to him and for the things she didn't do that she should have done…he knows he can't bring himself to hate her. His mother loved him. He knows that she must have had to love him. At least once. Maybe when he was a baby. Before. That had to count for something.

_DOWN:  
19. To separate into parts with or as if with a sharp-edged instrument; to sever... (3)_

Chase chewed on his pen, trying to solve the puzzle in front of him. Crosswords were easy. Despite its design, for Chase, it was almost mindless sometimes. A game to play. A ritual to go through. If only the gaps in his life were as easy to fill. Was that a symptom or a cause? Was he trying to diagnose himself? Self-diagnosis was dangerous after all.

He chuckled softly in the empty conference room. It was still early and House wasn't in yet. He thought about co-workers. If their specialities said something about them. Maybe Foreman specialised in neurology so he could show how smart he was. Maybe Cameron specialised in Immunology so she could prevent everyone else from feeling pain. Maybe House specialised in Diagnostics because he needed to find a logical reason for everything. Himself? His specialities were in Intensive medicine and cardiology. So maybe he was trying to save people and give people the gift of life? Or did it mean that he was obsessed with playing God? Fixing holes and abnormalities of the heart so that maybe he'd be able to understand how a healthy heart could hurt...

He wasn't sure if he became a doctor so he could heal himself. Or if it was so he could distract himself from his own pain with the pain of others. Or if it meant he didn't need anyone to save him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Cut **

**Warning: mild references to child abuse. Warnings also for alcohol abuse and language. **

_Italics for flashbacks and quotes from Cursed (1x13)._

Some part of Chase's childhood is more AU than canon.

* * *

1. When Mum was around (also known as The Happy Years) 

His happiest memories were from when his Mum was alive. Because that was when he felt like he was normal. Or relatively normal when your mother was a famous fashion make-up artist and your father a medical celebrity. It was when everyone thought he was lucky and he thought himself lucky too. Later on in his life people would still think he was lucky but he didn't think he was lucky anymore, more like unlucky enough to appear lucky enough so that people never thought he was unlucky. He never bothered to correct people. He'd rather they hated him for being rich than liking him just because they felt sorry for him. If that made any sense. It was all about appearances. It was a time when he remembers his parents being in the room together and they were happy. They could still tolerate each other. Maybe they still loved each other then – their faults didn't matter so much. They didn't have to separate. It was the closest thing that he had to happy times with his family.

Chase remembers the way his mother used to treat him. He remembers the way she smelt – like fresh frangipani from the garden. He remembers the way she leant over him, her hair tickling his face. He remembers his mother quitting his job for him, dressing him up, reading to him…

"_Mummy!"__Little Robbie runs his mother as she comes home. "Mummy home! I wanna pway!" _

_She smiles down at her son, his small arms wrapped around her knees. He presses his cheek to her leg and he peers up at her with his blue-green eyes, half hidden by his light blonde hair. "Miss me did you, princess?"_

_He pouts. "Yeah!" She ruffles his hair affectionately before picking him up. "I no like Mrs Witchard."_

_She giggles slightly. "Robbie honey, its Mrs Richard. You should listen to her okay? She's taking care of you when I'm not there. Like Mummy does."_

_Robbie frowns. "But she's…mean! I like Mummy better."_

_She lean sin and whispers conspiratorially, "How about I tell you a surprise?"_

"_Is it a baby? Cos Mrs Writchard said that I was spoilt because I was special and that you couldn't have baby no more."Robbie says all this in one breath and he beamed up at his mother. _

_She frowns then laughed lightly like a tinkling ornament. "Oh Robbie. No, it's not a baby. You are special. So special that Mummy won't be too busy for much longer." _

_Robbie claps his hands. "No more Mrs Writchard?"_

"_Yes, no more Mrs Richard. Mummy will be at home."_

_His eyes widen in surprise. He clumsily blows her a kiss as she taught him how. "I love you Mummy." She pretends to catch the kiss and blows it back. _

_His father walks in through the door, disapproving look etched on his face. "You really shouldn't spoil him like that. He's getting too old to be picked up." He picked up the paper and started reading it. _

"_Rowan, he's still little…" Christina says good-naturedly. She sat down and put Robbie in her lap, starting to play with his hair. It is shoulder length. _

"_If I didn't know it, you are turning him into the daughter you always wanted. He needs a haircut. Stop making him look like a girl." _

_She gives Rowan a look and he rolls his eyes before going back to his paper. _

"_Mummy's home!"__Robbie announces happily._

"_Yes, yes, go play" Rowan says distractedly. Robbie knows a dismissal from his father when he sees one so he runs off to his room. Rowan seems to remember something so he turns to his wife, "Wait, did you remember to tell Mrs Richard about staying over on the 6__th__? The Board of Director's dinner is on that night."_

"_That won't be necessary. I gave in my two weeks notice today. "_

_There is silence. Rowan sighs before putting down his paper. "You don't have to give up your career to take care of Robert. He'll be fine."_

"_Robbie doesn't like Mrs Richard. I think it would be better if I stayed with him for a while. Until he goes to school."_

"_We can hire someone else if Robert doesn't like Mrs Richard. You shouldn't give in so much. He's going to be spoilt rotten. I know he's special to you…"_

"_To _us _you mean?" Christina says with a touch of cold anger. _

"_Of course dear," Rowan says in a placating tone but she hears the condescension poisoning his words. "If it makes you happy, then stay with Robert."_

"_I don't need your permission."_

"_Of course not, dear." Rowan agrees easily. _

…stroking his hair until he went to sleep. Chase remembered she loved her playing with his hair. Sometimes, she braided it and called him her 'princess'. He supposed he wasn't old enough yet to care about the whole gender thing. He just liked spending time with her then.

"_Don't you think it's embarrassing to have everyone ask how pretty our _daughter _is?" Rowan says with a touch of exasperation. He wound down the dark-tinted windows of the limousine and lit his cigar, puffing his smoke outside. _

"_Oh don't worry about it so much Rowan. He's just a kid. He likes having his hair plaited. Why not?"_

"_Because HE is a BOY."_

_Christina scowls at him and wound down her window as well. "Keep it down, he's sleeping." Robbie was tired and now sprawled across her lap, fast asleep. "You don't think I know that? I think we need to give him some space to be a kid, to grow up. You're pressuring him to do all these things. He can do them later. Right now, what is most important is for him to enjoy his childhood."_

"_He's not going to be a kid much longer."_

"_Exactly my point."__She brushes a few stray strands of hair from his face that had fallen loose of the plaits. _

"_Fine, but he's getting a haircut tomorrow." Rowan continues to puff away at his cigar, turning away from her. _

_She refuses to acknowledge his statement. _

_The rest of the ride is choked by the silence. _

It was wonderful when she was around. Chase doesn't remember his parents fighting much, only the silence that followed. He realized that they must have fought when he was not around, or at least when they thought he wasn't listening. He wonders if he knew what they were fighting over, if it would have made a difference somehow. He doesn't want to dwell on his past. He remembered the day when things started going wrong, the day when his mother first left him. She came back, but she wasn't the same again.

"_Robbie honey, schools starting next week. Do you want to go get a haircut?" _

_Rowan is standing at the door impatiently. "Just tell him to get one", he mutters under his breath. "Or I will."_

_His wife ignores him, focusing all her attention on her son. _

"_A hair…cut?" Robbie fiddles with his fringe and blows it out of his face. It's a habit that drives Rowan crazy._

"_Like when I cut your hair except its at the salon. I sometimes take you there, remember?"_

_Robbie furrows his brows in concentration. "But you cut it for me. I like it when you do it," he whines. _

"_You don't have to if you don't want to-"_

"_Well you're getting to be a big boy now. Don't you want to be a big boy for Mummy?" Rowan interrupts. "You can go to the salon like Mummy does," he says as sweetly as he can._

_Robbie looks at both his smiling parents. He likes it when they're happy – together. "It won't hurt?" _

"_Not at all," Rowan says reassuringly, giving his wife a nudge. _

"_Not at all."_

_Robbie smiles, showing the new gap in his teeth. _

_The hairdresser smiles nervously at the famous couple in her salon. "What can I do for you today? I see you've bought Robbie."_

"_Robert," Rowan says pointedly. "Needs a haircut. Make it short. Whatever fashionable boys' cut there is."_

_Robbie bounces excitedly as the smock is circled around him. He swings his feet as they dangle from the child's booster seat but stops obediently as he sees his father's disapproving glance. _

"_I want it like Mummy's!" Robbie bursts out. _

_The hairdresser laughs. "He is a Mummy's boy isn't he? He's going to be a heartbreaker when he's older." To Robbie, she said, "Robert. You are a boy. Mummy is a girl so it's going to be a bit different okay? I promise you'll look extremely handsome after we're done."_

"_But I want it like Mummy's!" Robbie insists._

"_You can't," Rowan snaps. His fingers are itching to slap his young son across the face but he resists. _

"_But you said it would be like Mummy does!" Robbie's lip quivers and Christina can sense the impending tears. "You said!"_

"_And I say you're getting a haircut, young man," Rowan says sternly. He feels his patience slipping from him. He was glad he had the foresight to make a private booking so that at least he was spared the judgmental stares of other patrons, only the other hairdressers that were there. "Stop making a scene. Deal with it."_

_Robbie holds his tears back at the reprimand but he attempts to take the smock off. "I don't want no haircut."_

"_Then you don't have to-"_

"_Yes he does," Rowan says on top of Christina. Robbie starts to sniffle. His eyes are watery. _

"_Robbie honey, it doesn't have to be exactly like Mummy's. You can look handsome like Daddy." The hairdresser tries to be assuring but it has the opposite effect. _

"_I don't to be like Daddy. Daddy is MEAN!" Robbie screams._

"_Oh honey-"_

_Rowan steps between Christina and his son. "No you won't save him. See? He's spoilt rotten and he won't listen to me."_

"_You need to let him make his own choices Rowan!" Christina argues. She's holding onto his right arm as if she could read his midn. _

"_Your Daddy says you have to have a haircut", the hairdresser says in the same tone. She wasn't going to step in the Chases' affairs – she knew enough from Christina that the glamorous couple's marriage was on the rocks. It was just that, a glamorous façade. "Then you can go home afterwards alright? It won't take too long. Just stay still for me…" _

"_No!" Robbie says adamantly. "I wanna go home now! No haircut!" He fights to jump out of the hairdressing chair. He's going to throw the largest tantrum of his life if it means he can go home without getting a haircut. _

"_See this is just the type of thing your lack of discipline encourages," Rowan hisses. He decides in his mind that he's going to end this for once and for all some day. He's sick of all of this. He hits out at Christina's sore spot. He says it so only she can hear, "What kind of mother lets her son become like this? This is your fault."_

_Christina pales in shock and fury. "You bastard," she says loudly. She shoves Rowan and then spins on her heels to storm out but Robbie is clinging to her legs. _

"_Take me home Mummy. Please." _

_She disentangles him from her, afraid that she would taint him somehow but he clings tightly to her again. "Not right now. Mummy … is not feeling too good." She kneels slightly. "Be a good boy Robbie." She wants to kiss him but she settles for a wane smile. _

"_You have to let go of Mummy," Rowan says with a triumphant smile, pulling his son away from Christina and placing Robert in the chair again. _

_Robbie is too stunned to say anything. His Mummy has always taken his side, she's never left him like this. Now his golden childhood innocence is being slowly snipped away, falling like the blond strands of hair being cut from him. He screams and struggles but its no use, his dad was holding his head still. Rowan didn't choke his son, despite what it looked like. Rowan didn't want his son to get hurt. He really could really get hurt if he didn't hold him._ _Rowan had to stop himself from tightening his grip on his son's windpipe to short the screaming. The hairdresser is hesitant about forcing a haircut on an unwilling patron but Rowan urges her to continue. The hairdresser give Robbie a sympathetic look and hands Rowan a tissue before trimming the soft blond tresses. _

_Christina sits outside in the public parlor. When she hears the hysterical crying and screaming, she pretends that she doesn't have a son. Having been in recovery for several years, Christina no longer has a reason to stay sober so she goes to the nearest bar she can find. She quashes her guilt under several tequila shots and martinis. _

_After putting the tab on Rowan's credit card, she stumbles back to the mansion in the early hours of the morning. She is drunk but shame reminds her of her son and her concern for him overrides her pounding headache. _

_Chase is curled up in a ball on his bed. On a closer inspection, his eyelids are a puffy red and dried tear tracks are on his face. He is still in the same clothes as yesterday. His hair is now a severe buzz cut. When Christina tries to stroke the spiky hair, it is then she notices the bruises around her son's neck and upper arms. She is relieved that there weren't any gaping cuts on him but its cold comfort. He looks traumatized. She knows she did this to him. Christina makes up her mind to bear with Rowan then, so that he would never need to take it out on Robbie. She would protect him, even if it means that she would fall apart. _

Robert Chase was six years old and already he understood the oedipal complex. He doesn't remember how but he knows that Rowan made his mother leave. Then his father shook him and made him have a haircut. He held his neck to stop him from escaping the razor. It was more than just a haircut and Chase knew that Rowan _knew. _It was about controlling him, shaping him to what he wanted his son to be. The strong hands that forced him to submit to his will. It gave him nightmares about his father for years to come.

For his mother, it was when she started drinking again. It was when the seams of the marriage started unraveling. Ten long years of maintaining the fragile façade before it was shattered one morning by the sound of a car revving up in the driveway. A familiar sound that was to be no more.

"_He beat your mom. He beat you...What did he do?" (Cameron)_

Rowan never had to hit his son. He did something much worse. He left invisible wounds on Chase's psyche. Chase knew about them, read them in his own psyche reports: perpetual fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, compulsive need to be approved by others, borderline obsessive need for control...bullshit for 'fucked up'. It was immensely unfair that he had to live with the consequences of his father leaving him and his mother drinking herself to death. He was the one that ended up fucked up.

"_I'm so proud of you, Robbie. I knew you could do it. Why don't we go to Zac's Pizzeria to celebrate? It's your favourite tonight." _

_He is happy. Coming first at the state violin recital. Everyone gave him a standing ovation when he finished the piece. He spent hours painstaking practicing it so it was _perfect, _after all it only takes one mistake to ruin perfection. "Where's Dad?"_

"_So you want the chicken avocado pizza with barbeque sauce and no anchovies?" She's fingering the glass of red in her hand, swirling it.  
_

"_He didn't come. Again." Robert wanted his voice to sound casual but it still comes out shamefully cracked and squeaky. He stares hard at his mother. He always knew when she covered for him. "He didn't even plan to come. He's at work isn't he?" He notices that she's drinking again.  
_

_His mother downs the glass in her hand to avoid looking in her son's eyes. They were always so expressive. She doesn't want to see the pain. She knows that she is selfish. She lies. "I'm sorry honey, he had to go to a really important SLE conference that he is the speaker of. I'm sure he'll try to make it next year." She hurried on to distract him. "So did you want the chicken pizza?"  
_

"_Don't bother, I'm not hungry anymore." He hides his watery eyes behind his long fringe, excusing himself so he could cry in the bathroom. But he quickly runs out of tears and composes himself. It shouldn't have been disappointing because he expects this to happen. It isn't worth it at all. The victory feels empty. _

Rowan abandoned him, cut him out of his life as if he was getting a haircut. Chase felt that so much more than a beating. He doesn't know why but he loved...loves the man so much. He doesn't want to anymore but he can't stop it as much as he can stop himself from breathing. He knew that it was a testament to his 'fucked up'-ness but he would rather that his father had hit him if at least to prove that he was worth it. So he could feel something more than this apathy. Wear it around like some sick badge. But Chase would never admit that. He was going to have long hair for the rest of his life, to remind him of when things were good and if only just to annoy his father.

* * *

**Author's note: **The point of the flashbacks is to show how Chase's memories are what he wants them to be. Sometimes he's too young to notice that things aren't exactly right and sometimes it is because it's too painful to remember everything. The whole story was actually inspired by the haircut scene. I watched it happen to a kid as I was getting a haircut recently. Thanks for reading.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: mild references to child abuse. Warnings also for alcohol abuse and language.**

This is getting to be a really weird story. The timeline jumps all over the place. It's meant to be random snapshots of his life. Mostly the painful, bittersweet moments and how they shaped Chase.

* * *

2. When she stopped being his mum (also known as The Silent Years)

She stopped being his Mum long before she died. That is, she stopped taking care of him and he had to take care of her.

"_He left us. He fucking left us, Robbie. Just you and me now." She throws up on the carpet. "Get me some gin and tonic, Robbie."_

_He doesn't know what he can do to make it okay. He tries pleading with her. "Mum, come on. You've had enough." He guides her to the bathroom and holds her limp hair back as she retches again into the porcelain bowl. _

"_Be a good boy Robbie." She groans and holds her hand out. "Get me a drink."_

_Robert feels defeated. Then he goes and gets her a cup of water, holding her hand. _

"_I want a fucking drink! Not fucking water!" She rages. She throws the glass awkwardly into the wall of the bathroom. It bounces weirdly, spilling water but doesn't shatter. She grabs bottles of shampoo and conditioner to hurl them at the shower wall. She's raging at him. He stands there wide-eyed and afraid. He can't stop her but he just can't leave her either so he retreats to his mind. Robbie thinks absently that its like watching a bad movie except that it's not a movie, so the mirror doesn't shatter but everything is on the floor. It's still a mess. "FUCK!" She screams before starting to cry. _

_Robert snaps out of his mental refuge. He focuses on her pain even though he's hurting too. He sits down next to her and tries to rub her back. "Its ok Mum, I'll clean it up."_

He always cleaned up after her. Her vomit, her broken things, the half-made meals. He found the cleaning soothing; a ritual that he could fall into. It kept him busy. He always organized everything so he would know where to find it. It was a way that he could fix things. If only a little.

_She couldn't remember hitting him. She knows she wouldn't do that. But the finger shaped bruises on her son's left cheek incriminates her. _

"_Robbie, come here." _

_So he comes, obediently. She's sorry that she's changed him. He comes to her dragging his feet, his head down as if he were afraid. Afraid that she'd hit him again? He's taller than she remembers. She feels him flinch then slowly relax into the embrace she offers. He doesn't fit into her lap anymore. _

"_I'm so sorry Robbie. Forgive me, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Then she's crying and he's comforting her even though she should be comforting him. She sobs and tells him that she's sorry that she's not being a good mother. He protests but they both know it's the truth. She vows that she won't drink ever again, smashing the bottles in the cellar. She's in a sober rage and somehow it's almost like she was drunk. _

_As always he says, "Its ok Mum, I'll clean it up." _

The disappointment hurt more than his ribs. Sometimes he wished that she wouldn't promise him so sincerely that she'd quit drinking while in a stupor. When she turned back to the bottle, it hurt him. He couldn't pull her away from it and he felt like it was a personal failure. He tells himself he can't remember what she said to make him feel that way. Chase holds tightly to the belief that his mother wouldn't say things like that to him. In his memories her lips move but he's never hears the words. He doesn't know now if he's just repressed it or imagined it.

He hid the bruises. He didn't want people to ask about it. She couldn't control herself. It wasn't her fault. If people found out the truth, they'd take him away from her and then what could he do to take care of her? She was all that he had left. If he felt hurt in any way, he had to hide it. He couldn't let anyone suspect what was going on. He became a master at masking himself. Now years on, even now when she's passed away, he can't unlock the chains he's put on himself.

"_Tell me about your family," Katie asked as she lay next to him. They were at her house again. He never bought anyone back to where he lived. She ran her hand on his chest, giggling slightly as her hands reached his chest hair. "About yourself then Rowan."_

_If she had suspicions that it was his first time, Katie didn't say. She didn't even know his real name. He doesn't think Katie is her real name though. He doesn't know what possessed him to use his middle name…his father's name. He knows she's sleeping with him because she sleeps with everyone. He's sleeping with her because she asked him to. He suspects, not for the first time, that he might have a masochistic streak in him somewhere. _

_He puts his face in her neck and drowns in the scent of her perfume. He kisses her. Later she will taste the lingering hint of a farewell and an apology in that kiss. She remembers the reverent way he touched her – like she was special. She never had the chance to ask about his family again. _

He never actively whored himself. He did have sex, fuck, make love to (whatever you want to call it) a few that were called that though (who's counting?). He didn't mind them leaving. He expected them to leave him. No expectations, no disappointments. It became his motto. He told himself he wasn't afraid of a relationship. It wasn't just meaningless sex. So what if he had sex with all the wrong people (who makes that crap up anyway?). He understood what it was like to be unwanted. The thing is that he really believes her when she tells her that she loves him. Even if she leaves him, in that moment of euphoria and post orgasmic bliss – he lies there and soaks up those words of affection that he aches to hear. He takes a deep breath and begins to clean up the room. It reminds him that he's not completely useless. If he can make women happy, then maybe he had a chance at making his Mum happy. Maybe.

Somewhere between his father leaving them and his mother drowning her sorrows in the drink (or drowning in alcohol), his mother stopped being his mum. She was an alcoholic. She surrounded herself with her woes and shut herself in the bottle which was to be her prison. Chase didn't want to be her warden but sometimes he felt like he was. Other times, he was in the prison with her. Sometimes when he really wanted to understand his mother, he couldn't, and he felt like a visitor.

Chase eventually lost count of the amount of times his mother asked him to forgive her. He knows that she can't remember hurting him. He knows that she's sorry. He knows that she won't change but it gives him a lie that he can comfort himself with even for that little while. It reminds him that she needs him.

"_Why are you calling me now?" Robert says sullenly. He's chewing on a pen to distract himself from his father's voice. It feels like a betrayal of his mother to be speaking to him. He knows she doesn't like it and she refuses to take Rowan's call. Robert wished that he could do that, just refuse but he knows he can't. He hasn't heard from his father and if anything he wants to know… "Why?"_

"_I just wanted to see how you were."_

"_If you wanted to see how I was you'd be here!" Robert accused angrily. "Why did you leave? You left without saying anything and now…now…you have the fucking guts to call?" Robert needs someone to be angry at so he throws everything he can. He needs to break something so he won't feel so broken. He needs someone else to hurt for a change. _

"_You wouldn't understand-"_

"_And you do?" Robert says bitterly. There is so much he wants to say but if he says it, it would mean being a traitor to his mother. He can't do that to her. He can't lie there and just take it all of the time, so this time, he's standing his ground._

"_Look, I'll send some money-" _

"_I don't want your fucking money! I don't even want to talk to you!" He knows he sounds desperate but this is his lifeline. He can't bring himself to say that he needs his father. He needs him to take care of his mother. What he really is saying is come back. _

_Rowan doesn't tell his son that he's still paying for the house. Rowan doesn't tell him that when he pays the bills with Christina's card that it's his money too. That when she drinks, it comes up on his credit. Rowan doesn't tell him that he suspects what's happening. That he would rather pay for her alcohol so she won't take it out on him than to deal with the problem. He's used to paying for her. He'd rather not have to say anything to her again. Rowan doesn't tell him that he's seen security tapes of his own son staggering outside in the middle of the night holding what suspiciously looks like bottles of liquor. Instead, he sighs heavily on the phone. "How about when things settle down at work, I'll pop in to see you. I know you blame me, son-"_

_Robert feels disappointment fill him. He still isn't as important as work. Never had been. "Yes, I do." He says coldly. He needs to shut his father out of his life. He's tired of broken promises and he doesn't think he could take another disappointment. _

_A loud sigh. "I don't want to argue with you." A pause. "You could still live with me. You know where to find me."_

_Already it feels like there's hope and he _knows _that it's a false hope. "How could you say that? I can't just leave her." The unspoken plea, can't you help her? _

"_I can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself. You've got to let her go son."_

"_I'm not just going to give up on her like you." He spit out the last word. "Don't call me that. Just don't call me." Robert hung up on him. _

He meant to shut his father out of his life to make him feel what he had felt. A taste of his own medicine so to speak. Robert hadn't thought that it would be so permanent. Robert couldn't swallow his pride to call his father again. He remembered picking up the phone again, listening to the dial tone silently hoping that his father would call back again. Wondering if his father even called at all. Maybe it was all a bad dream. That he would come back and fix everything. He knows that it was stupid. That wouldn't happen. So he had to fix things. It was up to Robert. He was sixteen, going on thirty.

"_She wasn't your responsibility." (Rowan)_

Chase knows intellectually it wasn't his fault that his father left her…left them, it couldn't be because he didn't do anything right? Not anything wrong anyway. Emotionally though, the lingering shame still haunted him whenever someone asked him about his father or whenever he had to fill out those camp forms (what's the point in contacting his father if he was in an accident? Is that what it would take for him to care?). He felt guilty every single time his mother cried herself to sleep, for every bottle she drank. He couldn't blame her because that would make him a hypocrite. He blamed himself too. She had her drink. He turned to religion for his penance.

The bruises didn't show her the cutting words she's said that she'd never remember, the words that he would never forget. He knows that they're lurking there inside him, like dormant demons.


	4. Chapter 4

3. After she died (also known as The Wasted Years)

When she died, Chase felt like a terrible, terrible person because he hadn't felt particularly sad. What kind of son was he if he hadn't even mourned his own mother's death? It was like she'd died in his heart long before then. Still, he felt horrible.

_Robert feels the painful irony of the situation__. His mother had collapsed__ – sure she had passed out from alcohol before – but this time she wasn't breathing. He knew to make sure that she was still breathing. Her lips were turning blue. H__e called the ambulance and they'd rushe__d her to the nearest hospital w__here his father still worked. His father who drove his mother to alcohol poisoning was __going __to have the decision of life or death._

_"It's not fair! She wouldn't have wanted this! He d__id this to her!" Robert yells__. He __i__s shaking from the intensity of the emotions. He clenche__s __his fists and trie__s __to calm himself down. _

_"I know you're upset son, and that's understandable but we have to follow the hospital rules. Your mother listed your father as the next of kin." The hospital administrator __says condescendingly and __reached out to pat Robert on __the head. _

_"He just wants to kill her so he can get it o__ver and done with," Robert fumes, pulling away.__He didn't want to be touched. He didn't want to be comforted. His mother was dying but everyone seemed to feel sorry for him or something. He'__s so angry that he __doesn'__t notice his father enter the room._

_"I'm sorry, Leonard. I can deal with this. He's upset at me; it's not your fault."__ At the sound of his father's voice, t__he volcano of anger threatens__ to erupt out of Robert's control. _

_The hospital administra__tor is__ relieved and offered a sympathetic smile before __hastily __fleeing the room. __He felt the storm brewing inside Chase junior and didn't want to be caught in the crossfire. _

_Rowan could see the tension in his son'__s stance__ and __puts a respectful distance between them__"Robert-"_

_"FUCK YOU!" __It's the first time __Robert__'s said it to his father. He's imagined saying it in his mind a million times but now that he's said it, it's taken all the breath out of him. _

_"- she has a 10 chance of waking up__, maybe less__," Rowan says __calmly to his son's retreating back.__ He uses the same tone he would to the patient's family, explaining how the patient is dying and that there is nothing he can do. He's done it enough times but it never gets easier.__ He notice__s__ that his son stopped walking but didn't turn around. He stood in the shadow near the room, fingers hov__ering near the handle. Rowan continues, "N__ot counting extremely high risk of brain damage. She might never walk, talk again. She'll need people to take care of her all the time."_

_"So you'd just give up on her?"__ Robert__ hates that all the strength has been sapped out of his voice._

_Rowan can hear the accusation in the air. _Like you walked out on her.

_"She has maybe one in a million chances that she'll wake up as her…normal self." Rowan wince__s__ at his word choice. _

_Robert turn__s__ around. "That's still a chance isn't it?"__ It sounds almost like a plea. _

_"It wouldn't be living. She'd just be __existing__." Rowan fought the urge to call him his son because he kn__ows __that he'd lost that privilege when he left her.__He wanted to reach out to Robert, to comfort him. _

_"But she'd still be here. Maybe there could be a miracle…__"_

_"Maybe," Rowan concedes. "But it's not likely. Statistically, __its__ very unlikely. The best thing we can do is to look at this objectively and let her-"_

_"__I'll never forgive you for letting her die! __I__t'll be your fault if she goes to hell!"__Robert's voice is raw fury and pain all twisted up. _

_Robert's retreating footsteps echoed in the corridor. __Robert ran because __he knew that he'd lost the battle. __Nothing he could do would__ change his father's mind. _

_Rowan i__s bewildered at the last statement. He hadn't known his son was religious but then again, he didn't really know his son and he knew that. __At the end of his marriage, both he and Christina took shots at each other. Rowan hates that his son, the one person that they really shared, ended up being the one that took all the hits. _

_Rowan did do it for his son. He authorize__s __Christina's life support be turned off because__, medically,__ she __i__s__ as good as dead. He only wishes__ that Robert didn't __have to __watch it.__ He'd left because he didn't want to see her waste away in front of him. __Christina didn't want help so there was nothing left for him to do. Rowan didn't want to face the __ugly truth__ that he couldn't fix his wife. He realizes belatedly__ he__ condemned Robert to the nightmare he wanted to avoid. __Morbidly, h__e vows__ that he would never put his son through it again. _

Chase has many what if's in his mind. He didn't blame her for the drinking – he blamed his father. It made it easier to live with her. It made it easier to live with himself. He wondered if his father had played the hand of God and interfered his prayers from being fulfilled. He also wondered if it was God's Will that his mother died. He wondered if he forgave his father, if it would mean betraying his mother. Or betraying God.

_"Forgive me father for I have sinned."_

_Father Stevens would recognize that quite voice anywhere. He didn't even have to look. __Kindly, he says, __"What burdens your heart, Brother Chase?"_

_"How do I know what God's Will is?"__ Robert had rehearsed this over and over in his head. He feels a temporary sort of relief. _

_"He will tell you. You must speak to God. You must have faith in Him and His power. He is in control. We must go back to the Bible and seek the truth in God's Word. In Romans 8:28 it __says '__And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.'__ God's Will is good, pleasing and perfect. If you seek him earnestly, you will know God's Will in Your heart."__ The Father's voice and words were soothing but Robert feels like something is missing. _

_"But Father...can I ask you something...something rather personal?" Robert fe__els the__ shame__ staining__ his cheeks and he lowers his face_

_"Of course.__ Never be afraid to ask the questions that __trouble you__. If you__ have__ doubt__s__they__ will fester in darkness__. I__f you bring them to the light, you will have nothing to fear.__" Father Stevens __i__s intrigued. Brother Chase __is easily __the youngest __member of __the seminary school but also one of the people with the most insight__. He doesn't know why Brother Chase joined but h__e pray__s for him daily__, that God's healing would help him grow i__n his faith. Father Stevens feels__ that__ since joining a month ago, Bro__ther Chase's faith i__s still being restrained by something.__ He feels that that something was the reason Brother Chase is here. _

_Then quietly, "Do you think that God's Will ever involves death?"_

_Father Stevens sighs softly. __"Sometimes, we have to let things go and let God be God. God himself sent His only Son to save the world because He loved us that much. It was His sacrifice for us. So sometimes, we have to make sacrifices for God...do you understand? God works for the good of those who love Him. He has our best interests at heart. You have to trust that."_

_When __Robert__ speaks, it all __comes__ tumbling out and he knows that it won't make much sense. He has to say it. The words are pressing on his conscience.__"But why didn't he answer my prayers? I only wanted her to live. I know I didn't always want to take care of her but I never wanted her to die. I wanted him to come back too. I didn't want to have to do everything myself but God just left me!" Robert bit his lip as he felt a familiar prickling sting his eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I resent Him for __not being there. I...__I can't forgi__ve him for what he's done to me__."__ Robert __wants to make__ the Father angry at him__. He wants to__ find a way of releasing the pain somehow. He __feels like he has yet to do his__ penance for not saving his mother. He need__s__ to be punished. He need__s __revenge. __He feels so confused. _

_The Father only sigh__s again__ and gave __Brother Chase__ a sorrowful look. __He thinks that he is right in thinking his young protégé needs someone to care for him. "God is your Father. He's like your father, but he's not human. He won't fail you. Even if you don't understand, he has __your best interests at heart. __He doesn't want to hurt you. He loves you. __You have to let go of that hate, son. Only he can take that pain away."_

_"Maybe __he put it there!" Chase's eyes flash with overwhelming emotion and he clenches__ his fists until his knuckles were white. "If He is like my Father then I hate God!" _

_The Father __is shocked__ at t__he vehemence behind those words __and crossed himself. __He puts his hand on Brother Chase's shoulder, hoping to guide him to the light. __"May God forgive you and have mercy on your soul. Letting go is not easy. Those words contain some serious hat__red__. It's not a__n easy road to walk. You must__ have faith in God. He will make things right."_

Chase walked away from his faith. It was less painful to believe that there was no God than to believe that God would do this to him. He couldn't let it go; he didn't want to believe that his mother had suffered for no reason. That his mother might go to Hell because he couldn't save her. It was easier to believe that there was no heaven or hell. It was easier, so he could do it. Yet, he was angry at God. He resented God for not answering his prayers. He prayed that God would take his life away. He missed God because he wanted that sense of peace and contentment people had when they found God. How come everyone could find it but not him? He felt so empty and pathetic.

_"Is there anyone I can call? __A family member?__A friend?__ Someone you trust?__"_

_"No, no one."__Chase__ clenches and unclenches his le__ft hand, the one without the IV. Hospitals remind him of _her.

_"There must be someone."_

_He didn't want his father. He tells himself over and over. He didn't want his father. He doesn't care that he's not here. __"No." He looked away. __He didn't. __It doesn't hurt if you don't care. __He drew his knees to his chest and hugged himself. _

_Chase__ didn't tell her to leave and the older nurse must have known the loneliness that he felt. She stayed with him until he fel__l__ asleep and was there when he woke the next morning. _

It was in the hospital that he made the decision to go to medical school. A stranger had shown kindness to him beyond words. He wanted to be able to do that to someone else. He wanted to be the kind stranger that noticed. Noticed those that were lost and hurting. The kind of stranger that he'd dreamed wanted when he was younger.

_"__Nothing you can do about it. He's your dad. It doesn't matter what he does, you're __gonna__ love him."_

He'd always been good at trying to fix things. The hospital would be his purgatory, his confessional and his home. He can't explain why he still goes to the chapel when he needs comfort, or cleansing. He still prays when there's nothing else he can do. Maybe he does believe in God, because he needs God to fix things. He still needs a chance at redemption. That someone could make things right in the end if he couldn't.

Chase tapped his pen against the table and sipped his coffee. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and scribbled the answer onto the page.

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